Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
