i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
