After last night, I could never be a politician.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Enjoy the penises
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