So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
