puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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