Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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