so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
