new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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