it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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