I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
