And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
