But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
