ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
