Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
