We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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