My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
