cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
