I feel great
I just peed on a car
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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