Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
