Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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