Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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