it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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