a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
