Your face is a jimmy john
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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