She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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