Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
