he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
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I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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