I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
