Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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