I am puke
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
