even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
