i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
not ubering you a puppy
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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