i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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