I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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