just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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