The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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