Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
