He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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