Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
