Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
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She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
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I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize