Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
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There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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