Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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