I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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