I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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