life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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