foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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