i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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