so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
