my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
