after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
