he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
