I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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