I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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