i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
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is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
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I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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