When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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