I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
