My cat gives me a boner
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
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After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
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The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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