Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
