i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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