i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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