I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
