After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
